Line of Fire

It turns out that the human sneeze is not at all proportional to body weight. On evidence, it would appear that the sneeze of an infant is not that diminished from the sneeze of an adult. The intestines, however, would appear to be significantly shorter for an infant. We've learned the following changing rules:

1. Always keep the baby pointed down-range.
2. Watch carefully for approaching sneezes.
3. In mid-diaper change, keep legs pointed down.

We've had a few, um - incidents, that really shouldn't go by without comment.

Early changings were done by the bathroom sink, to facilitate good hygiene. The first shots fired fell harmlessly into the sink. Convenient even. As it turns out, warning shots.

The first all-out incident happened while Dad did a changing. LS was probably about a month old. Half her life ago at this point. If you haven't seen our bathroom, we have a shower with glass wall to the right of the sink. The early changings were happening with LS laying on the left-side sink counter. Aimed, as it turns out, toward the glass shower wall.

It all happens so fast, it's like a blur. One second the baby is laying there. Then the sound of a sneeze. Then, a splatter pattern down field. Something like the insides of a ripe yellow tomato slowly sliding down glass.

Life can be a game of inches. A slight twitch of the hips to the left may have taken out the toothbrushes and mouthwash. A lean to the right and it strafes across the front shower door and slams the floor scale. Luckily, no one was hurt - and there are certainly less convenient surfaces to clean than glass.

There have been a couple more recent incidents. The recent changings have been on a changing table, still in the bathroom. A few days ago, a major shot fired to the threshold of the bathroom door. An impressive show of range.

Just this morning, a shot slammed the front cabinet of the bathroom sink, where - just moments before - dad had been standing washing his hands. A game of inches indeed.

We know now that guns and babies have this in common: you want to be careful that they don't go off while you're cleaning them.